Entry 39: Bah Humbug!

Christmas is almost here!

To which I say, “meh”.

[What's so nibby merry about it!]

The other day my sister told me in an email that I’m more Scrooge than Cratchit. Sadly, my wife agrees. “You are like Scrooge… sometimes,” she said. (And I think the “sometimes” was just added as a softener.) They might be right. The older I get the more I think this Scrooge guy was on to something. Who wants to be bothered with all this yuletide nonsense? Let’s take a quick look at the pros and cons of Christmas.

CONS

The tree: First off, you have to go out and get it somehow. Cutting one down yourself usually means manual labor, being out in the cold, and missing football games (three things I generally try to avoid). Even if you just buy one from a lot, you still have to rope it to your car, and lug it in to your home. You get pitch and pine needles all over the place. Then, after Christmas, it dies and you have this giant rotting thing that you don’t know what to do with. It’s a lot of trouble just to see some plastic orbs dangling from some branches, if you ask me.

The decorations: Similar to the tree. Very low reward to effort ratio. They are fine if somebody else puts them up. I have a friend whose mom has a massive Dickens Village collection. I mean massive. It can fill up multiple rooms. It's so over-the-top that it's sorta cool, but I still can't imagine ever thinking, "You know what I'm gonna do? Spend a bunch of money on a bunch of porcelain figurines and buildings, so that once a year I can spend a day setting them up, so that two weeks later I can spend a day putting them away again."

The baking: Since my sister couldn’t send us food internationally, she sent us a family recipe for these delicious turtle cookies. I am planning on making them, but I’m not happy I have to do it myself. Just getting the ingredients and the pan is probably going to require a dedicated trip to the supermarket. For somebody who hates shopping as much as I do, that’s a big deal.

The shopping: See above. And is there a worst place to be than a mall around Christmas time? Everything I hate about malls is intensified tenfold during the holiday season.

The gift giving: I’ve already covered my feelings on gift giving in a previous entry, so I won’t go into it again.

[One of the stranger collaborations I've seen, David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing noels. Here's a link to a clip of them doing Little Drummer Boy a capella. A funny thing about the clip is the forced-acting, porn-movie-style intro: just get to the music already!]

The music: I actually like a lot of Christmas songs. I just hate hearing them over and over and over (especially if being played poorly on a pocket trumpet two feet from my front door). Also, there are all these weird versions, like you’ll hear a Muzak version of White Christmas that completely ruins the song. And I absolutely cannot stand any songs by the Chipmunks or the one where the kid sings about wanting his two front teeth for Christmas. The latter is probably the worst song I’ve ever heard, yuletide or otherwise.

[When I finally get around to siring some offspring, I can only hope that they don't like this annoying, unfunny trio.]

The movies: A Christmas Story is excellent, but that’s about it (and I’ve seen it somewhere between ten and fifty times). My mom loves It’s a Wonderful Life, but I could never get into it. It’s a lot of Jimmy Stewart prattling on in an old-timey manner. Also, there is a mentally challenged angel involved somehow, and scenes of stars in space talking to each other.

PROS

The eggnog: It’s a delicious drink.

That’s it, those are my lists.

OK, I also love the family and friends and the parties. In fact, we had our department holiday party a few days ago. Here Christmas parties are quite different, because they’re in the summer. Instead of campy sweaters, turkey dinners, and sitting by the fire, it’s shorts, picnics, and cricket.

We literally played cricket (see my Facebook page for a pic of me in the field). I wasn’t bad either. I wanted to swing the cricket bat like a baseball bat, and I still don’t have a complete grasp of the rules (I’m getting there though), but for a friendly game I could play without embarrassing myself (which is more than I can say for a few of the other participants). I got a couple of good wallops in with the bat, I made a few nice catches in the field, and I made a few nice bowls. The great thing about cricket is that it’s such a slow-paced game and the playing field is so large (there is no foul ground like in baseball) that even if you don’t like playing sports, as long as you like lazing, you can still participate. Just grab a beer, stand in the shade, and hope the ball doesn’t come your way.

I’ll leave you with two cricket clips. The first is Yuvraj Singh belting six sixes in an over (I’m learning the lingo). The second is a fantastic catch by Justin Kemp set to Carl Orff’s O Fortuna.

Ps – I listened to Adam Carolla’s latest podcast yesterday, and guess what he was complaining about. The funny pages, and how they are not funny. It's strange how he talks about that one day after I post a similar discussion on my blog. I'm not accusing anybody of stealing my material... I'm just saying...