Entry 145: Worst. Song. Ever.

Two days in a row I entered the gym in the basement of my office building to be greeted to somebody else's music blaring over the stereo -- so annoying.  The gym stereo needs to go the way of payphone, toward obsolescence.  We don't need it anymore.  Everybody has an iPhone or an iPod or some other portable listening device now, there's no justification for one person subjecting the entire gym to their (usually shitty) musical preference.  I keep meaning to take the power cable to my gym's stereo and hide it -- just put it behind the stack of ab mats or something like that (I tell myself it's not stealing if I don't take it out of the gym) -- but I never remember this when I'm alone in there.

The first day it was some hip-hop mix which is especially irritating because it's got that bump-bump-bump bass that just cuts through headphones like they're nothing.  The second day it was a "jock rock" ensemble.  You could tell the kid (by kid I mean 27-year old) who put it in made it especially for working out, like if you looked at the CD it would say "Get Pumped Mix" or something like that written in Sharpie.  It was terrible.  It had a bunch of songs by bands I don't like (Bush, Nickelback, Chevelle) and bad songs by bands I kinda like ("My Hero" by the Foo Fighters).  When the only decent song by a good band came on ("Fortunate Son" by CCR) he skipped it.  It was mainly fast, hyped-up songs, but it did breakdown with one slow song, and I believe it was meant to be my coup de grace, as it's a song I absolutely cannot stand.  In fact, it's my choice for Worst. Song. Ever.

Before I say what song it is, I need to lay down the criteria for Worst. Song. Ever.  It's fourfold:

1)  Bad, annoying beat.  It helps if it's a little bit catchy, as then it gets stuck in your head and bugs the crap out of you all day.
2)  Terrible lyrics.  Different ways lyrics can be terrible include, but are not limited to, pretension, awkwardness, and triteness.
3)  Saturation.  This one isn't really the fault of the artist, but it's a criterion nonetheless.  If you hear a bad song everywhere you go, it's much worse than a bad song you rarely hear.
4) Earnestness.  This criterion is very important and is often overlooked by others, in my opinion.  Some songs are intentionally bad for the sake parody or camp value or humor or something else along those lines (think "You Got What I Need" by Biz Markie).  These songs don't qualify as Worst. Song. Ever. because they aren't done in earnest.  They aren't missing the mark, because they aren't aiming for the mark.

Without further ado... I give you the Worst. Song. Ever.  "What It's Like" by Everlast.



Let's go through our list.

1) Check.  Although, to be fair, the beat is actually the best part of the song.  It everything else was good it would be a tolerable song.
2) CHECK, PLUS, PLUS!!!  Paul Krugman recently said of Paul Ryan, "He’s a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like."*  This could be said of Everlast, although the word "smart" should be replaced with "deep".  His lyrics are like poetry written by an uncreative, suburban wannabe-gangsta with a learning disability for a remedial junior-high English class.

I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start  

The most amazingly terrible part is that his lyrics are simultaneously awful and self-congratulatory.  He makes himself out to be some sort of imbecile guru.

3) Check.  The song is nearly 15 years old, and I still hear it somewhat frequently.
4) Check.  Unless Everlast is some sort of Andy Kaufman-esque comedian, he's being completely serious.

So there you have it Worst. Song. Ever.

*Krugman attributes the saying to Ezra Klein originally who said it about Dick Armey. 

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In other news, things have been going pretty good on the home front.  Lil' S is doing well, although he's currently got this condition called "cradle cap" -- dry, flaky skin on the top of his head (I call it "crusty crown").  It's medical name is seborrheic dermatitis, and it's apparently pretty common in babies.  It's nothing to worry about, but it looks kinda gross.  Oh well, he needed something to bring his cuteness down a notch (just a notch), he was too cute before, and it was overwhelming people.

He's been so-so when it comes to letting us sleep.  He still can't make it more than a few hours without waking up, but with three people -- I'm on evening night shift, S is on middle of the night shift, and S's mom is on morning shift -- we all manage to get enough sleep; not as much as we'd like, but enough.  It's hardest on S, because she's the only one who has to wake up from a dead sleep to tend to him.  We tried rotating shifts so that I take a 4 a.m. shift sometimes, but it's not very practical.  By the time I get up and get a bottle ready, he's already been screaming for five minutes and S is awake anyway, so it doesn't really work.  Also, it takes much longer to get him back to sleep with a bottle than it does with a boob.  So S gets all the really bad shifts.  I sleep through them completely.  I don't even know when she gets up.  It's not fair, I admit it, but until I learn how to lactate (which I don't expect to happen anytime soon) so it goes.

Anyway, I'll leave you with a math problem.  A coworker of mine sent it out in an email.  I solved it in about a minute and replied with the answer.  He wrote back, "Wow.  Nice work.  I had to Google it."  I wanted to write back, "I solved it in my head! I didn't Google it!"  But then it would have just made me look like I did Google it (overcompensation), especially since nobody ever said that I did, so I just didn't write back anything.  I can't help but wonder though, does he think I actually solved it, or does he secretly think I Googled it?  Hmm...

Here's the problem.  What is the angle between the hour hand and the minute hand when a clock reads 3:15?  (Note: it's not 0.)

Until next time...