I'm alone on Valentine's Day. S took the kid and headed south to Key West for a few days. Her friend E, an immigration lawyer, is stationed down there for a few months, so she used the long weekend to visit her. It's a quasi girls weekend, as S's sister and another friend are also visiting. The other three women are single, so I wonder if I should be worried about the potential of debauchery. Nah... they can't be getting into too much trouble with a hyperactive two-year-old in tow.
I never cared much for Valentine's Day -- it's probably the most made-up of the made-up Holidays -- so I don't mind "celebrating" it alone. Actually, I'm trying to use this weekend to do all the things that are difficult to do with Lil' S around, so it's turning into a somewhat busy three days. I put myself a bit behind the 8-ball by going out last night -- now I'm foggy-headed and sluggish -- but that was pretty much a necessity. The weather here in DC is likely going to take a turn for the freezing, and we will probably get some wintery mix precipitation. If I wanted to get out all this weekend, last night was the best option. I actually thought I was taking it easy; I only had three glasses of red wine over about of three hours. But I woke up this morning slightly hung over. I guess that's what happens when you're 37 and get served by a heavy-handed bartender.
Anyway, the topic of today's entry is lying. It's been in the news a lot lately, mostly because of the whole Brian Williams fiasco. But there have been some other stories about lying as well, such as this under-the-radar revelation that Obama lied about gay marriage during the lead-up to the 2008 election. (According to his longtime advisor David Axlerod, he always supported it, but said he only supported civil unions for political reasons. He later "evolved" on his position when public support for gay marriage became more robust.) And then Paul Krugman dusted off the ol' Iraq War whopper (the gift that keeps on giving) in a recent blog post.
All of this got me thinking about lying, and I've come to the conclusion that lying runs such a broad gamut in extent, type, and moral implication that it's almost too vague a term to use at all. One thing that always struck me as strange is when people who are accused of lying get so indignant about it -- "Are you calling me a liar?!" -- as if lying was something akin to murder, instead of something almost everybody does almost everyday. And not all lying is bad. This is why I propose we do away with the generic term "lying" and use one of the following five terms or modifiers instead:
Heroic lying: In the opening scene of Inglorious Basterds, we all want the bearded guy to lie to Col. Landa (Christoph Waltz's character). That's clearly the moral thing to do. (Even if it doesn't work because Landa is a villainous badass.) This is a clear-cut case in which it is right to lie. We can all image scenarios like this.
White lying: This is a step down from heroic lying, but it's still lying for a good reason -- often to spare somebody's feelings. It's clichéd to say "the truth hurts," but it's also often, well, the truth. But it's also true that sometimes nothing is to be gained from the truth. White lies are actually an integral part of relationships (the "do I look fat" quandary). If you told people the truth about everything all the time, you almost certainly would not have a significant other, and you probably wouldn't have many friends either. Nobody wants to hang out with Rain Man.
Fibbing: This is like white lying without the altruism -- you do it to help yourself not others. I will admit I do this sometimes. If S wants me to do something I don't want to do, sometimes I'll not do it, and then say I did because I don't want the hassle of arguing about it. For example, back when Lil' S was younger, S was really worried he was underweight, and one of her things was that after every meal we needed to try to give him yogurt. So whenever I would feed him, she would grill me about it: "Did you try to give him yogurt?" And I would always say yes even if I didn't.
Exaggerating: This needs no explanation. Why all know what an exaggeration is and we all do it. Sometimes an exaggeration creeps into something more nefarious (like with Brian Williams) but most of the time it's pretty harmless, so long as it's done in moderation. I have a friend from high school who was (and probably still is) a chronic exaggerator. In every story he told, he magically came off as Joe Cool. My favorite example: He used to hand-roll cigarettes, and he would buy this certain type of tobacco that was difficult to find. One day he had a lot of it and somebody asked where he got it, and he said, "I know a guy." Then later we found out he just bought it at the smoke shop, like anybody else could do. His "guy" was the man who worked behind the counter there. As my other friend asked him, "Do you call Safeway a 'guy' too?"
Betraying Trust: This is what we really object to when it comes to lying in the typical sense. It's not the technicality of the untruth that matters; it's whether or not there was a betrayal of trust. The Bill Clinton blowjob comes to mind. Do you think Hillary was satisfied with the answer, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?" You could make the case it was technically the truth (it depends on what your definition of is is, and all that). But that is -- or at least should be -- completely irrelevant. It's not about lying; it's about betrayal.
So, from now on, instead of using the word "lie" I would appreciate it if you would use a variant of one of the five terms above. Thank you.
Until next time ...
I never cared much for Valentine's Day -- it's probably the most made-up of the made-up Holidays -- so I don't mind "celebrating" it alone. Actually, I'm trying to use this weekend to do all the things that are difficult to do with Lil' S around, so it's turning into a somewhat busy three days. I put myself a bit behind the 8-ball by going out last night -- now I'm foggy-headed and sluggish -- but that was pretty much a necessity. The weather here in DC is likely going to take a turn for the freezing, and we will probably get some wintery mix precipitation. If I wanted to get out all this weekend, last night was the best option. I actually thought I was taking it easy; I only had three glasses of red wine over about of three hours. But I woke up this morning slightly hung over. I guess that's what happens when you're 37 and get served by a heavy-handed bartender.
Anyway, the topic of today's entry is lying. It's been in the news a lot lately, mostly because of the whole Brian Williams fiasco. But there have been some other stories about lying as well, such as this under-the-radar revelation that Obama lied about gay marriage during the lead-up to the 2008 election. (According to his longtime advisor David Axlerod, he always supported it, but said he only supported civil unions for political reasons. He later "evolved" on his position when public support for gay marriage became more robust.) And then Paul Krugman dusted off the ol' Iraq War whopper (the gift that keeps on giving) in a recent blog post.
All of this got me thinking about lying, and I've come to the conclusion that lying runs such a broad gamut in extent, type, and moral implication that it's almost too vague a term to use at all. One thing that always struck me as strange is when people who are accused of lying get so indignant about it -- "Are you calling me a liar?!" -- as if lying was something akin to murder, instead of something almost everybody does almost everyday. And not all lying is bad. This is why I propose we do away with the generic term "lying" and use one of the following five terms or modifiers instead:
Heroic lying: In the opening scene of Inglorious Basterds, we all want the bearded guy to lie to Col. Landa (Christoph Waltz's character). That's clearly the moral thing to do. (Even if it doesn't work because Landa is a villainous badass.) This is a clear-cut case in which it is right to lie. We can all image scenarios like this.
White lying: This is a step down from heroic lying, but it's still lying for a good reason -- often to spare somebody's feelings. It's clichéd to say "the truth hurts," but it's also often, well, the truth. But it's also true that sometimes nothing is to be gained from the truth. White lies are actually an integral part of relationships (the "do I look fat" quandary). If you told people the truth about everything all the time, you almost certainly would not have a significant other, and you probably wouldn't have many friends either. Nobody wants to hang out with Rain Man.
Fibbing: This is like white lying without the altruism -- you do it to help yourself not others. I will admit I do this sometimes. If S wants me to do something I don't want to do, sometimes I'll not do it, and then say I did because I don't want the hassle of arguing about it. For example, back when Lil' S was younger, S was really worried he was underweight, and one of her things was that after every meal we needed to try to give him yogurt. So whenever I would feed him, she would grill me about it: "Did you try to give him yogurt?" And I would always say yes even if I didn't.
Exaggerating: This needs no explanation. Why all know what an exaggeration is and we all do it. Sometimes an exaggeration creeps into something more nefarious (like with Brian Williams) but most of the time it's pretty harmless, so long as it's done in moderation. I have a friend from high school who was (and probably still is) a chronic exaggerator. In every story he told, he magically came off as Joe Cool. My favorite example: He used to hand-roll cigarettes, and he would buy this certain type of tobacco that was difficult to find. One day he had a lot of it and somebody asked where he got it, and he said, "I know a guy." Then later we found out he just bought it at the smoke shop, like anybody else could do. His "guy" was the man who worked behind the counter there. As my other friend asked him, "Do you call Safeway a 'guy' too?"
Betraying Trust: This is what we really object to when it comes to lying in the typical sense. It's not the technicality of the untruth that matters; it's whether or not there was a betrayal of trust. The Bill Clinton blowjob comes to mind. Do you think Hillary was satisfied with the answer, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?" You could make the case it was technically the truth (it depends on what your definition of is is, and all that). But that is -- or at least should be -- completely irrelevant. It's not about lying; it's about betrayal.
So, from now on, instead of using the word "lie" I would appreciate it if you would use a variant of one of the five terms above. Thank you.
Until next time ...
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