Friday, January 19, 2018

Entry 407: Alright, I'll Talk about Aziz Ansari

The Aziz Ansari story is a perfect example of the type I'm not going to comment about on social media.  It's one that's highly nuanced and contextual and not conducive to snippet opinions.  But I figured I would write about on this blog because I can write as many words as I feel I need to properly express myself, and because not many people read it anyway.  If you are not familiar with the details of the story, you might want to read the article and the criticism of the article and the criticism of the criticism of the article before you go on.  (And for a take-down of the way the story was reported read this article or listen to this podcast.)

My position on it is a total cop-out.  I'm struggling to find a definitively right or wrong position.  It seems to me as if reasonable people can disagree.  Personally, I don't think any party involved, neither Ansari nor "Grace" nor the publisher of the story, Babe.net, behaved particularly admirably.  If I were forced to pick who was the "most wrong," I would definitely say Ansari -- he behaved like an entitled jerk; he violated the "camp site rule" with a younger woman; and he acted in a manner totally contrary to his "woke" persona.  (It shouldn't be surprising, when actors -- people who get paid to pretend to be something they're not -- don't behave publicly how they do privately, but it still is sometimes.)  However, I can't wholeheartedly get behind Grace either.  She's young, but she's still a grown woman.  If she was as uncomfortable with how the evening was going as she claims to be in the article, she should have ended it long before she did.  She had many opportunities to do so gracefully and safely throughout night.  By her own account, Ansari wasn't threatening her or holding her captive; he's an older celebrity, but he has no tangible power over her; he's not her boss or mentor or anything like that; the stakes for her saying "thanks but no thanks" and booking an Uber as soon as he made her feel uncomfortable were not that high.  At what point do you hold an adult responsible for her own actions, even if somebody is being an asshole and cajoling her to do something she doesn't want to do?  I mean, she says that within a few minutes of being in his apartment they had already kissed, gotten naked, and exchanged oral sex with one another.  Things were moving too quickly for her, but she doesn't say anything or extricate herself until after they had done everything but intercourse.  It's understandable somebody would misread the situation and believe these were consensual acts.

(And, by the way, one reason I feel comfortable saying all this is because it's the position of several woman I've talked to about it -- including my wife.  We actually got into a mini-fight the other night because she was adamantly arguing that it's on Grace to leave if Ansari isn't responding to her cues, and I was taking the other side.  At one point I said the phrase "victim shaming," and she just left the room.  That one is on me -- it was a poor choice of words, and I know she doesn't like debating things once they get the slightest bit combative (whereas I don't mind and even enjoy it at times).  Also, it was super late, and we were tired.)

But the story doesn't end there.  Over the course of the rest of the evening, it sounds as if Ansari basically hounded her and harangued her for sex, even after it became pretty clear she wasn't totally comfortable.  This isn't cool -- at all.  It's not adhering to the "tea test."  Ansari was trying to pour tea down Grace's throat at every turn.  As a guy, the move there is to sit back and let her initiate things if she wants to.  If she doesn't, then you can offer her the sofa or a cab home and go to bed.  Alternatively, you could just ask her flat-out what she has in mind for the night's activities.

But a big part of the problem -- maybe the problem -- is that neither women nor men have been socialized to behave in a way that puts sexual encounters on an even footing.  There are unhealthy societal norms and pressures in play.  Girls are often disincentivized from an early age to advocate for their own desires, and they are often incentivized to acquiesce to boys.  For these reasons, it becomes a lot harder for somebody to say "Grace should have left!" and just leave it at that.  Yeah, she should have, but she didn't, and, judging by the responses this story has produced, a significant portion of the female population understands exactly why.  In fact, Vox wrote a piece about how completely ordinary this type of thing is.  You can't just dismiss the voices of millions of aggrieved people under the guise of "personal responsibility -- not my problem."  Well, you can, it's called libertarianism, but you're not going to actually solve anything that way.

By the same token, Ansari grew up in our society just like Grace did -- he grew up with the same messed-up norms and pressures.  Men are incentivized to behave the way he did because it often results in sex -- and not just bad or coerced sex.  A lot of times being persistent results in good, fully consensual sex.  I don't think I'm speaking out of school by saying a lot of women like it when a guy is aggressive.  Some think it's a turn-on; others want sex, but don't want to feel guilty or stigmatized about wanting sex, so they behave passively and leave it to the guy to crack through the veneer.  This is especially true, I think, of younger women and in one-night hookups.  Thinking back to when I was that age, it seemed like there was always this little pointless song-and-dance that had to be done where a woman would feign hard-to-get, even if she wasn't and didn't want to be.  I hated this little song-and-dance -- it's the primary reason I didn't hook up much then.  (At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.)  It's like that joke on The Simpsons:
Alien Kang to Marge: Congratulations. You have been selected for our crossbreeding program. To put you at ease, we have re-created... the most common spawning locations of your species. You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro... an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding... or the alley behind a porno theater. 
Marge: I absolutely refuse to go along with this. But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
My point isn't that guys have it "just as bad" or that anything like that (we don't) or that these societal norms are distributed equitably (they aren't).  On the contrary, my point is that the model for how we pursue sex, especially when we're young, can be really fucked up for everybody involved and women get the worst of it.  I've heard many people say something to the effect of -- okay, maybe Grace's encounter isn't sexual harassment and it just falls under the category of "bad sex", but isn't it still a big problem if thousands and thousands of sexual encounters result in one side feeling regretful and shitty about how things went down?  That, to me, is the crucial question, and the answer should be a resounding "yes."  How do we fix that big problem?  That's the subject for an entire other post, but I think real sex education (not just anatomy) would go a long way.  Also, I suppose, we need people to continually call out this type of thing when it happens.  In that sense, Grace -- even if you take issue with how she comported herself, or the clumsiness with which the piece was reported -- might have done a good thing by telling this story publicly.  It kinda sucks for Aziz Ansari to be publicly embarrassed for something in his personal life, but he did behave like a cad, and if Grace doesn't call out a celebrity by name, this story doesn't crack the mainstream.  Plus, I think Aziz will be fine.  I don't think his career is done or anything like that.  Nobody thinks he's Bill Cosby.  If he were to drop another season of Master of None tomorrow, I would still watch it.

Until next time...

4 comments:

  1. Well stated. This goes along with your post from a few weeks ago where I shared my "regretful experience." I don't feel victimized because I do feel I made a choice, BUT I wouldn't have chosen that had he not been so drunkenly persistent so it's on him too for sure. Sometimes both sides have to take responsibility and we do need to teach boys to be less aggressive and girls to be more assertive (and guys not to react aggressively when girls are assertive).

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    1. The reaction part is key. There's the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". But there are no bigger butt-hurt assholes than rejected men.

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  2. Ok since this does seem like a safe place I'll express what I would never state on social media because I know it's super controversial, but I stand by it. "Grace" is also guilty of ignoring signals and pressing for something that clearly wasn't wanted by the other. Just as she felt she was making it clear she wanted to "slow down" (I don't remember her ever telling him she desired no further sexual contact), Ansari was making it quite clear he was *only* interested in sexual contact and she chose to ignore that. And, you know what? I think it is perfectly acceptable for a man or woman to only want a sexual situation as long as they do nothing to coerce or force it. Why does he have to hang out and be platonic with her all night if that is not what he wants? They both had several opportunities to say "this isn't what I was hoping for or expecting so let's peace out," but instead they both continued to try to get the other to acquiesce.

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    1. Agreed -- nobody comes off looking admirable in this story.

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