One
Once my friend J was walking down the street. Some other friends of mine, R & A, were on the balcony of a nearby apartment, and they threw a water balloon at J, just goofing around. The water balloon landed in the pocket of J’s shorts and didn’t break.
Two
Around the same time in life, we were doing a fantasy football draft, and I called this guy M, who lived out of town, to get his picks over the phone, and when I dialed my old flip-phone the outgoing message read, “Calling Virginia.” Virginia* was a very recent ex-girlfriend, whom I definitely did not want to call, so I hung up immediately. I checked the number carefully and called again. Again, it read, “Calling Virginia.” Again, I immediately hung up. But I had a minor freak out that Virginia would see two missed calls from me, and think I was obsessing about her or something. I had a friend call M from his phone instead.
Those calls gnawed at me all night, the way things do with fresh breakups, until finally, at the end of our draft, M, on my friend’s speaker phone, said, “By the way, why do I have two missed calls from DG on my phone?”
“So I was actually calling you?" I said. "It said it was calling Virginia.”
“Yeah,” M replied, “because you were. I live in Norfolk, dumbass. Your were calling a Virginia area code.”
I’ve never been so relieved to be a dumbass.
*Her name wasn't actually Virginia; I changed it in such a way that it still works with the story.
Three
In college, my friend A lived with this kid C, who was a nice enough guy, but kind of a tool. He would say things that were banal and obvious and act like they were genius witticisms. He had more than a bit of Michael Scott from The Office in him. I didn't know him very well -- I only hung out with him two or three times -- but A would mention him from time to time. Once A made an off-hand comment that C was listening to Kid Rock, and when A asked him why, C said, "I love Kid Rock. He's white trash and he knows it!"
Months later I was over at their apartment for a little get-together, and C put on Kid Rock. He waited for a lull in the conversation, and then he loudly announced to the entire room, "I love Kid Rock. You know why?"
And I said equally loudly, "Because he's white trash and he knows it?"
He looked at me, with an expression that was 10% annoyance and 90% utter confusion.
Four
Along those same lines -- the lines of remember weird things -- I once sat next to a girl in freshman literature class -- one time, not like everyday of the semester -- whose name was Autumn Hoff. I know this because I happened to see her name on a paper she was handing in. I didn't sit by her again But for years after that I would see her around campus, and say in my head, "Hey, it's Autumn Hoff."
That's it; that's the entire story. I never spoke to Autumn Hoff. I wonder what she's doing today.
Once my friend J was walking down the street. Some other friends of mine, R & A, were on the balcony of a nearby apartment, and they threw a water balloon at J, just goofing around. The water balloon landed in the pocket of J’s shorts and didn’t break.
Two
Around the same time in life, we were doing a fantasy football draft, and I called this guy M, who lived out of town, to get his picks over the phone, and when I dialed my old flip-phone the outgoing message read, “Calling Virginia.” Virginia* was a very recent ex-girlfriend, whom I definitely did not want to call, so I hung up immediately. I checked the number carefully and called again. Again, it read, “Calling Virginia.” Again, I immediately hung up. But I had a minor freak out that Virginia would see two missed calls from me, and think I was obsessing about her or something. I had a friend call M from his phone instead.
Those calls gnawed at me all night, the way things do with fresh breakups, until finally, at the end of our draft, M, on my friend’s speaker phone, said, “By the way, why do I have two missed calls from DG on my phone?”
“So I was actually calling you?" I said. "It said it was calling Virginia.”
“Yeah,” M replied, “because you were. I live in Norfolk, dumbass. Your were calling a Virginia area code.”
I’ve never been so relieved to be a dumbass.
*Her name wasn't actually Virginia; I changed it in such a way that it still works with the story.
Three
In college, my friend A lived with this kid C, who was a nice enough guy, but kind of a tool. He would say things that were banal and obvious and act like they were genius witticisms. He had more than a bit of Michael Scott from The Office in him. I didn't know him very well -- I only hung out with him two or three times -- but A would mention him from time to time. Once A made an off-hand comment that C was listening to Kid Rock, and when A asked him why, C said, "I love Kid Rock. He's white trash and he knows it!"
Months later I was over at their apartment for a little get-together, and C put on Kid Rock. He waited for a lull in the conversation, and then he loudly announced to the entire room, "I love Kid Rock. You know why?"
And I said equally loudly, "Because he's white trash and he knows it?"
He looked at me, with an expression that was 10% annoyance and 90% utter confusion.
Four
Along those same lines -- the lines of remember weird things -- I once sat next to a girl in freshman literature class -- one time, not like everyday of the semester -- whose name was Autumn Hoff. I know this because I happened to see her name on a paper she was handing in. I didn't sit by her again But for years after that I would see her around campus, and say in my head, "Hey, it's Autumn Hoff."
That's it; that's the entire story. I never spoke to Autumn Hoff. I wonder what she's doing today.
Five
Once these two guys at my junior high were play-wrestling in the hall, and one of them took down the other one and gave him a spot of rug burn on his head. The guy with the burned head then sprayed deodorant on it, as if it was disinfectant.
Until next time...
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