Actually, for me it's more like the 20-year itch. Once every two decades or so, I break out into hives for unknown reasons. I remember when I was about eight, I went to a banquet for my soccer team and ate a bunch of desserts and woke up the next morning covered in itchy red blotches. They were all over my body and didn't go away for over a week, as I recall.* There's a decent chance they didn't have anything to do with desserts or the banquet, but my parents thought I might be allergic to chocolate, so they didn't let me eat it for a few weeks. Thankfully, that turned out to not be the case, and it's a total mystery what caused them.
*I remember trying to sooth them with a heating pad. As a kid, I utilized a heating pad somewhat frequently. But I can't ever remember using one in my adult life. I did try to use one once. I bought one for my shoulder, but it didn't actually get hot for some reason, so I threw it away and never bought a new one.
Then, when I was in my twenties, working construction for the summer, I got out of the shower after a long, sweaty day on the job, and again noticed my entire body was covered in hives. They were so multitudinous and uncomfortable that I had a friend take me to the emergency room. The doctor gave me a shot of something that made me super sleepy, so I went to bed early, and when I woke up the hives were gone -- no trace whatsoever. It was like a miracle cure. But again, it was a mystery what caused it. The doctor guessed it was "prickly heat" but admitted he wasn't really sure.
This brings me to a week and half ago. S was out of town on business, so I was sleeping alone, and I kept having this weird dream that wasn't a dream about my chin itching. After I woke up, I figured it was just a bug bite and didn't think about, but it didn't go away, and then I noticed in the mirror that I had a mini breakout on my left eye and temple and neck and presumably the back of the my head which was itching like mad. So, I went to the doctor, who unsurprisingly couldn't say what caused it, but he prescribed me a steroid.
But it still didn't go away. I took the entire does of the steroid over the course of a week, and the next morning I woke up with the back of my head feeling like it was on fire. I went back to the doctor at S's behest (she was back), but I wish I hadn't. It was a total waste of time and money. Somebody different saw me this time, and she was "just" a nurse practitioner. Normally, I wouldn't care about such labels that much, but it really did seem like she wasn't very good. At one point, while I was describing my symptoms, she said, "now, you're making me feel itchy," which is funny in retrospect, but seemed pretty unprofessional at the time. It's like something Dr. Spaceman on 30 Rock would say. (Remember that show? I gotta go back and watch some of those old episodes. I remember it being hilarious.)
Eventually, she prescribed me some antifungal pills, but when she left for a moment I googled the condition she put on the scrip, and it was obvious I didn't have it. The symptoms looked nothing like mine, and I could tell she wasn't very confident in her diagnosis. When she came back I said, "I'm probably not going to take the medication for a few days and hope it clears up on it's own." And she replied, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea." The visit cost me almost $100 in copay, and that's not counting the copay from the first visit -- such a waste.
I didn't take the medication and eventually it did clear up on it's own. I think. There's still something funky going on with my eye -- it was kinda swollen this morning -- but I think it's unrelated. I'm just getting old is the bottom line. I also hurt my hamstring about a month ago -- the tiniest of tweaks, something that wouldn't have kept me out for more than a day or two ten years ago -- and it's just now starting to feel normal again.
Well, the timing was good, at least. I didn't really want to go to the gym with a splotchy face, anyway (although it wasn't super noticeable if I wore glasses). I guess if you're going to get hives, might as well be while you are nursing a sore hamstring. It's just like that old adage about killing two maladies with one rest period.
Until next time...
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