Alright, it's time for a little house cleaning. I'm referring of course to my "Blog Topics List". As I've mentioned before, I keep a list on my phone of topics that I might want to discuss on this site. Inevitably, when the time comes to actually crank out an entry, I just talk about whatever happens to be on my mind at that particular moment and don't even get to anything on the list. So it just grows and grows. Well, no more. I'm going through my list lightning-round style and hitting some of the topics. Let's do it.
***
I "love" when movies, especially vapid comedies, use hackneyed plot devices that only ever happen in movies. One I've noticed recently that is especially "nice" is the "impossible to explain" plot device, where a conflict is created due to a misunderstanding that in reality would have been cleared up in thirty seconds. For instance, S and I (mainly S, I was just a bystander) were watching the end of some movie with Steve Carell, and in it some guy thinks that Carell's character is having an affair with his underage daughter because he finds a revealing letter written to her from him. But it wasn't actually written by him, she has a crush on him and wrote it to herself from him without his knowing. So the dad storms out of the house, drives across town, and starts a fight with Carell's character. His daughter tries to stop him, but of course the situation is just "impossible to explain". And thus a "hilarious" fight ensues. Now, in actuality somebody could blurt out "He didn't write it! I wrote it to myself!" in approximately one second. Maybe two, but certainly in the amount of time it would take somebody to find their keys, put on their shoes, and get out of the house.
Another example is the entire premise of Maid In Manhattan (again, S had it on). If it was real life here's how the big reveal would go:
Snooty Woman: She's not classy! She's the maid!
Ralph Fiennes: What? You're the maid?
J-Lo: Yeah
Ralph Fiennes: All right ... We can still have sex, right?
OK, maybe he wouldn't say that last part, but he'd be thinking it.
***
A lot of people complain about chatspeak -- "I mean, the kids today with all their LOL and OMG and BFF, I'd like to see it all DOA, amiright?" But if you think about it, it's just initials and acronyms, which everybody of all ages use all the time. Next time I hear somebody complain about chatspeak, I'm going to say, "Yeah, you know what else drives me crazy? When people say DNA. What, you don't have time to say deoxyribonucleic acid? Laser, too. It's light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation, people. So lazy."
***
I know somebody who looks a bit like Lena Dunham. I was going to tell her this, but then I thought better of it -- what if she doesn't think Lena Dunham is attractive? Then I thought telling somebody they look like somebody else is a weird thing. Because if you tell them, and they get offended, you're not really dissing them, they're dissing the person you just compared them to. Maybe this will be my new thing. I'm going to go around and tell people they look like unattractive celebrities (I'll tell guys they look like Clint Howard and women they look like Elena Kagan), and then when they get offended, I'll say, "Geez, don't be so such a superficial ass".
***
We took Lil' S out to brunch with us the other day, and I realized the real reason parents with toddlers don't go anywhere except to specifically kid-oriented establishments. It's not fun.
***
I came across this Onion article with the headline, "Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life". It's (obviously) satire, but the thing is, I completely agree with it (maybe that's part of the joke). There's this idea that the way to true fulfillment is to love your job, and then you can do what you want everyday. But that's a fool's errand for all but the most fortunate people in this world. The better strategy for the vast majority of us is to work a job that pays the bills, and then do what we want the rest of the time. You can work and have hobbies. As a prolific mathematician whose name I can't remember (Ron Graham?) once said when asked how he was able to get so much done, "What do you mean 'how'? You do know the average person is awake for 16 hours a day, right?"
***
Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" came on my Pandora station the other night. I tried to skip it, but I was out of skips from skipping so many other songs, so I listened to it. And I realized something: It's a fucking great song. Like really, truly great. The bass is awesome, and Freddie Mercury just shreds it on vocals. I never really got a chance to appreciate it because it had already been played into the ground by the time I became aware of it as something other than a song they play at sporting events. The greatness had been overexposed right out of it. Here are a few other legitimately excellent songs that society has ruined for me:
***
I "love" when movies, especially vapid comedies, use hackneyed plot devices that only ever happen in movies. One I've noticed recently that is especially "nice" is the "impossible to explain" plot device, where a conflict is created due to a misunderstanding that in reality would have been cleared up in thirty seconds. For instance, S and I (mainly S, I was just a bystander) were watching the end of some movie with Steve Carell, and in it some guy thinks that Carell's character is having an affair with his underage daughter because he finds a revealing letter written to her from him. But it wasn't actually written by him, she has a crush on him and wrote it to herself from him without his knowing. So the dad storms out of the house, drives across town, and starts a fight with Carell's character. His daughter tries to stop him, but of course the situation is just "impossible to explain". And thus a "hilarious" fight ensues. Now, in actuality somebody could blurt out "He didn't write it! I wrote it to myself!" in approximately one second. Maybe two, but certainly in the amount of time it would take somebody to find their keys, put on their shoes, and get out of the house.
Another example is the entire premise of Maid In Manhattan (again, S had it on). If it was real life here's how the big reveal would go:
Snooty Woman: She's not classy! She's the maid!
Ralph Fiennes: What? You're the maid?
J-Lo: Yeah
Ralph Fiennes: All right ... We can still have sex, right?
OK, maybe he wouldn't say that last part, but he'd be thinking it.
[What? You're a maid? Ewwww ... Get away from me.]
***
A lot of people complain about chatspeak -- "I mean, the kids today with all their LOL and OMG and BFF, I'd like to see it all DOA, amiright?" But if you think about it, it's just initials and acronyms, which everybody of all ages use all the time. Next time I hear somebody complain about chatspeak, I'm going to say, "Yeah, you know what else drives me crazy? When people say DNA. What, you don't have time to say deoxyribonucleic acid? Laser, too. It's light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation, people. So lazy."
***
I know somebody who looks a bit like Lena Dunham. I was going to tell her this, but then I thought better of it -- what if she doesn't think Lena Dunham is attractive? Then I thought telling somebody they look like somebody else is a weird thing. Because if you tell them, and they get offended, you're not really dissing them, they're dissing the person you just compared them to. Maybe this will be my new thing. I'm going to go around and tell people they look like unattractive celebrities (I'll tell guys they look like Clint Howard and women they look like Elena Kagan), and then when they get offended, I'll say, "Geez, don't be so such a superficial ass".
***
We took Lil' S out to brunch with us the other day, and I realized the real reason parents with toddlers don't go anywhere except to specifically kid-oriented establishments. It's not fun.
***
I came across this Onion article with the headline, "Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life". It's (obviously) satire, but the thing is, I completely agree with it (maybe that's part of the joke). There's this idea that the way to true fulfillment is to love your job, and then you can do what you want everyday. But that's a fool's errand for all but the most fortunate people in this world. The better strategy for the vast majority of us is to work a job that pays the bills, and then do what we want the rest of the time. You can work and have hobbies. As a prolific mathematician whose name I can't remember (Ron Graham?) once said when asked how he was able to get so much done, "What do you mean 'how'? You do know the average person is awake for 16 hours a day, right?"
***
Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" came on my Pandora station the other night. I tried to skip it, but I was out of skips from skipping so many other songs, so I listened to it. And I realized something: It's a fucking great song. Like really, truly great. The bass is awesome, and Freddie Mercury just shreds it on vocals. I never really got a chance to appreciate it because it had already been played into the ground by the time I became aware of it as something other than a song they play at sporting events. The greatness had been overexposed right out of it. Here are a few other legitimately excellent songs that society has ruined for me:
- "Seven Nation Army", The White Stripes
- "Losing My Religion", REM
- "Smells Like Teen Spirit", Nirvana
- "Bad Romance", Lady Gaga
- Anything off Dave Mathews' Under the Table and Dreaming
Until next time ...
nice.. .
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