Entry 309: Smoke Alarms are the Bane of My Existence

I've mentioned before in a previous post how much I hate smoke alarms -- not the function they provide, which is obviously very important, but how unnecessarily annoying it is to change their batteries.  I won't reiterate my anti-smoke alarm screed in this post; instead I shall regale you with a new smoke-alarm-related tale of woe.  The story is this ...

S took the kids to her parents' in South Carolina on Monday for an extended Thanksgiving break.  Since I have to work, I will not be joining them until next weed.  On Tuesday, S calls me on Facetime, and before we start to chat, before I even say "hello," I hear that unmistakably irritating beep in the background: *CHIRP*.  We proceed to a conversation something like as follows,

Me: Hello
*CHIRP*
Her: Hey Babe, how's it going?
*CHIRP*
Me: Fine... What's going on with that smoke detector beeping?
*CHIRP*
Her [laughing]: I knew that was going to be the first thing you mentioned!  I told my mom that!
*CHIRP*
[Her mom laughs in the background.]
*CHIRP*
Me: How could I not?  That thing is beeping like every two seconds, literally.  You have to change it.  It's going to drive me crazy, and I'm not even there!
*CHIRP*
Her: I know.  But we can't change it.  You know how my parents have really high ceilings?  It's all the way at the top.
*CHIRP*
Me: Don't you have a ladder or something?  Can't you call somebody with a ladder?
*CHIRP*
Her: We tried.  It's like 25 feet high.  We need a really tall ladder.  We don't have one, nobody we know has one.  We called some friends.
*CHIRP*
Me: You need to buy a ladder or something.
*CHIRP*
Her [becoming increasingly exacerbated]:  Babe... We don- ... We don't even have a car that can get a ladder.  Plus, you know my dad is old and hurt his shoulder.  He can't handle a ladder or climb up on one or anything like that.
*CHIRP*
Me:  So what's your plan?  You're just going to live in a house for two weeks with a dead smoke detector that's constantly beeping?
*CHIRP*
Her: Yes!  It doesn't bother us.
*CHIRP*
Me [in utter disbelief]: Wha-! ... Wha-! ... How can that not bother you?!  That is insane!  It is a loud beep every two seconds!  It is meant to drive you crazy so that you change the battery!  How can nobody be bothered by that?!  What about the kids?  Does it bother them?
*CHIRP*
Her [panning over to Lil' S1 who is sitting at the table playing with toy cars]: Does this beeping bother you?
*CHIRP*
Him [noticing me on the phone]: Daddy!  I went for a walk today with Tha-tha, but there were no ducks.
*CHIRP*
Her [pointing phone back at her]: There's your answer.
*CHIRP*
Me: Yeah, but still ... You've got to fix that.
*CHIRP*
Her: Babe, I tired.  None of my parents friends could help, and I don't have time to spend all day on the phone, and you aren't here to help me with either of these kids, and ...  Can we PLEASE talk about something else?
*CHIRP*
Me [under my breath]: OK, but you do need to get that fixed.

And that was that ... for a little while, at least.  The next day, I emailed S a list of handymen near her parents and begged her to have somebody come out to change the smoke detector battery.  (I tried the fire department, but they will only do it in low-income neighborhoods.)  There are two things with this: 1) I'm flying in Tuesday evening.  If I get there, and that thing is still beeping every two seconds, it might literally drive me temporarily insane.  And since I fly in at night, there won't be any way to get it fixed until the next day.  I might have to get a hotel room.  2)  Even if I don't exist in this scenario, the battery still needs to be changed!  It's beeping for a reason, and it could beep, literally, for months.  Fix the damn thing!

S, to her credit, gets on it and calls a bunch of places and gets somebody to come out.  It's not easy.  Because it's such a small job, nobody with the proper tools (i.e., a really long ladder) wants to bother with it.  But eventually she finds somebody and sets up an appointment.  But they don't come.  The reason is that this place had previously come out to do some work at my in-law's, and my father-in-law thought they were too expensive, so when they called to confirm the appointment, he canceled it!  (Unfortunately, they had his number on record from before, not S's cell phone, even though she gave it to them.)  And to make matters worse, he didn't tell S.  So eventually she calls the company to try to figure out where they are, and they explain what happened, and then she gets upset and confronts her father, and then he gets upset, and it causes an argument, and the house is in discord -- and to top it all off, the damn thing still isn't fixed!

S reschedules and the guy eventually comes out, spends like three minutes climbing up his ladder and taking out the battery, and then gives her a bill for -- get this -- $275!  She pays it and of course can't ask her parents for any reimbursement, so we spend nearly $300 to do a job that costs about $3 of manpower to do on your own (about $1.25 for the battery and another $1.75 for the three minutes of labor), and it's not even for our house.  Whatever.  I'll gladly pay the money if it means the bleeping will be stopped and the house will again will be peaceful and quiet (other than our kids, of course).

So I guess S's dad was right when he said that company was too expensive.  But the thing is, you have to overpay for something like this.  Nobody is going to come out for $20 when they could be earning x times that somewhere else.  Now, $275 is absolutely ridiculous.  That's more than we paid to have a plumber unclog a slow drain, which is a much bigger job.  And probably, given some more time, S could have found a better deal.  But that's something you start doing as soon as you hear the first beep.  S said she noticed beeps while talking to her parents on the phone months ago.  She told her dad to find somebody to fix it, and he just never did.  So that's how the price gets up to $300.  You get desperate.  Plus $300 is cheaper than the week's worth of hotel rooms I would have run up if I got there and it was still chirping every three seconds.

Anyway, I'm just glad it's over.  Apparently most modern smoke detectors don't even need a battery because they are hard-wired into the circuitry of the house.  The battery is only a backup in case the fire were to cause the power to go out.  Also, my in-law's house is very open.  Any fire would almost certainly set off every detector in the house.  The only reason that detector was even there is because the house builder had to follow code, which says that you must put a smoke detector six inches from the highest ceiling.  So I'm not worried about the house being unsafe.  The only bad part now (other than the money) is that S got kind of annoyed with me, because she got stuck in the middle of it all, with me telling her one thing and her dad telling her the opposite.  I understand that, and I apologized for it, but, between you and me, I don't really feel bad about it.  On the contrary, I feel like I was the voice of reason in this whole ordeal.

Anyway ... two quick thoughts on France -- real problems -- before we part.

• The attacks in Paris were horrific, and what else is horrific is the anti-refugee, anti-Muslim response of many (mostly Republican) government officials.  It's become a bit clichéd to say "This is exactly what the terrorists want."  But it's also true.  ISIS poses no existential threat to the US.  A group of 100,000 (or thereabouts) confined to a relatively small portion of the Middle East cannot eradicate a nation of $300 million protected by oceans, especially when that nation has the most advanced military in the history of civilization.  But, what terrorist can do is terrorize.  And they can facilitate the culture war they so desperately want.  The worst thing we can do right now is turn our backs on good, peace-loving Muslims.  Muslims in the US do not commit acts of terror at a higher rate than any other group, because they are relatively well-integrated into American society.  They are part of us.  We need to keep it this way.  And all it requires is treating American Muslims like we treat all other Americans.  And treating Muslim refugees like we treat Christian refugees.  It shouldn't be difficult.  But for so many of us (mainly Republicans) it is.
• As you probably noticed, a lot of people used that French flag Facebook thing to temporarily change their profile pics.  Then because this was something on the Internet, there was a backlash to it.  I understand the backlash, but I disagree with it.  The reason we care more about France than other countries is because we have a different relationship with France than other countries.  We go way back with France.  France was our ally in the Revolutionary War and in both World Wars.  They are a NATO member.  Lots of Americans visit France and have many French friends and family, and vice-versa.  We are old friends with France in a way we aren't with Lebanon or Iraq or Syria or many other countries.  It's not that French lives are objectively more important than any other lives; it's that we, as Americans, are, on the whole, tighter, and thus more sympathetic, with France than we are with these other countries.  Yes, historically, the reason for this is largely that French people are, like us, mostly white and Christian, but that isn't really relevant.  If you have an old friend you grew up with because your parents were culturally similar and then tragedy befalls this friend, it's perfectly appropriate to show support for this friend in a way you wouldn't somebody you didn't know as well.  It's the same thing at a national level.

Until next time ...