Had some parental challenges this week having to do with thievery. Lil' S1 is really into Pokémon, and he likes to bring his cards and books to school. I'm not in favor of this, for reasons that will become obvious (and probably already are), but I let it go, because it's not a fight I want to have every morning, because it's a chance for him to learn how to take care of stuff, and because after-care is the only time he sees some of the kids who are also into Pokémon. So, the other day, he came home in tears, because one of the kids "stole" his Pokémon guide book -- this thick catalog of Pokémon profiles. He said it was Andy (not his real name), some kid I didn't know. So, I get annoyed, because I didn't really want him to take that book to school in the first place, and also because I was torn between whether or not I should intervene. Should I talk to the after-care supervisor and maybe Andy's parents (whomever they are), and try to sort it out, or let him figure it out on his own and maybe learn a lesson the hard way?
I decide to initially take a hands-off approach. I told him to try to get Andy to give him the book back by himself. So, the next day he comes home and says Andy told him he didn't take it, and he believes him. I ask him why he thought Andy took it in the first place, and he gives me a byzantine story with myriad unimportant details and a half dozen pointless digressions. But I do my best to sort through the web, and when I do, it starts to sound more like he lost the book -- or most likely he forgot about the book, left it somewhere, and when he came back for it later, it was gone. Probably some kid did take it, maybe even Andy, but that's just a guess. Lil' S1's name is written all over the book, so there's an outside chance a good Samaritan found it and will return it to him, but that's unlikely. I think this is a case of "finders keepers, losers weepers," literally.
The thing is I don't feel much sympathy for Lil' S1, because he later told me that he did almost the exact same thing to a different kid. This other kid left one of his Pokémon cards behind, and Lil' S1 pocketed it and took it home instead of giving it back to him. I was extremely disappointed when I heard this, and I told him he had to give it back. He said that the kid would punch him. We went back and forth for while, but he insisted that this kid would hit him if he found out he took it. I'm extremely skeptical of this, but part of growing up is self-preservation, so that's something else he has to navigate on his own. (Although, it's strange that he has enough sense to not want to get beat up for returning the card, but not enough sense to not take it in the first place.) I mean, it seems incredibly unlikely to me, but what if this kid is super aggressive, and he does beat him up, because I made him give the card back. Is that good parenting?
Again, I was in a dilemma about what to do. Ultimately, I punted. I put the card in his backpack, and I told him that I think he should give it back, but that it was up to him. I haven't checked yet, but I guarantee you that card is still where I put it. No seven-year-old has that type of rectitude. Fine. He can have a "pass" for this one. (It's a single Pokémon card, not exactly grand larceny.) But, I'm going to be bothering him everyday for a while to make sure he doesn't do it again. He's going to get sick of me talking about it -- nuisance parenting, that's my strategy.
To add to the story, a few nights ago Lil' S1 woke up in the middle of the night crying for S. I went in to see what was wrong, and he just kept on saying, "I don't know." I wonder if it's related to all this Pokémon stuff. I think he knows what he did was wrong. I think that's why he told me about it. It might have been a confession, or at least he wanted to gauge my reaction. Maybe this has been weighing on him. He will also say things to S sometimes about what a bad kid he is. When I was his age I had a super guilty conscience. I still do, to some degree, but not like when I was a kid. I wonder if he's the same way.
Unfortunately, a lot of this is stuff he's just going to have to figure out on his own. As a parent, you always want to help your kid, but you can't think their thoughts for them. (And would you want to, even if you could?) You can give them food, shelter, and love, but other than that I think they have to pretty much do the rest. Maybe you can give them a bit of advice here or there, but that's about it. On that front, my current goal is to convey to Lil' S1 two things: 1) Don't take valuable stuff to school; 2) Don't steal. If he learns that from these incidents, it will be a huge success.
Until next time...
I decide to initially take a hands-off approach. I told him to try to get Andy to give him the book back by himself. So, the next day he comes home and says Andy told him he didn't take it, and he believes him. I ask him why he thought Andy took it in the first place, and he gives me a byzantine story with myriad unimportant details and a half dozen pointless digressions. But I do my best to sort through the web, and when I do, it starts to sound more like he lost the book -- or most likely he forgot about the book, left it somewhere, and when he came back for it later, it was gone. Probably some kid did take it, maybe even Andy, but that's just a guess. Lil' S1's name is written all over the book, so there's an outside chance a good Samaritan found it and will return it to him, but that's unlikely. I think this is a case of "finders keepers, losers weepers," literally.
The thing is I don't feel much sympathy for Lil' S1, because he later told me that he did almost the exact same thing to a different kid. This other kid left one of his Pokémon cards behind, and Lil' S1 pocketed it and took it home instead of giving it back to him. I was extremely disappointed when I heard this, and I told him he had to give it back. He said that the kid would punch him. We went back and forth for while, but he insisted that this kid would hit him if he found out he took it. I'm extremely skeptical of this, but part of growing up is self-preservation, so that's something else he has to navigate on his own. (Although, it's strange that he has enough sense to not want to get beat up for returning the card, but not enough sense to not take it in the first place.) I mean, it seems incredibly unlikely to me, but what if this kid is super aggressive, and he does beat him up, because I made him give the card back. Is that good parenting?
Again, I was in a dilemma about what to do. Ultimately, I punted. I put the card in his backpack, and I told him that I think he should give it back, but that it was up to him. I haven't checked yet, but I guarantee you that card is still where I put it. No seven-year-old has that type of rectitude. Fine. He can have a "pass" for this one. (It's a single Pokémon card, not exactly grand larceny.) But, I'm going to be bothering him everyday for a while to make sure he doesn't do it again. He's going to get sick of me talking about it -- nuisance parenting, that's my strategy.
To add to the story, a few nights ago Lil' S1 woke up in the middle of the night crying for S. I went in to see what was wrong, and he just kept on saying, "I don't know." I wonder if it's related to all this Pokémon stuff. I think he knows what he did was wrong. I think that's why he told me about it. It might have been a confession, or at least he wanted to gauge my reaction. Maybe this has been weighing on him. He will also say things to S sometimes about what a bad kid he is. When I was his age I had a super guilty conscience. I still do, to some degree, but not like when I was a kid. I wonder if he's the same way.
Unfortunately, a lot of this is stuff he's just going to have to figure out on his own. As a parent, you always want to help your kid, but you can't think their thoughts for them. (And would you want to, even if you could?) You can give them food, shelter, and love, but other than that I think they have to pretty much do the rest. Maybe you can give them a bit of advice here or there, but that's about it. On that front, my current goal is to convey to Lil' S1 two things: 1) Don't take valuable stuff to school; 2) Don't steal. If he learns that from these incidents, it will be a huge success.
Until next time...
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