Entry 71: Greatest Americans of All Time #3

I have to admit, I’m a little homesick right now. It’s 4th of July weekend, and I’m halfway around the world from my beloved homeland. I can’t celebrate Independence Day the way I usually do, by drinking a sixer of Sam Adams and bellowing patriotic songs at the top of my lungs (“R-O-C-K IN THE U-S-A… R-O-C-K IN THE U-S-A…”). Well, I suppose I could do that, but out here it just doesn’t feel right.

[If this song doesn't get your patriotic rocks off, well, maybe you should move to Russia.]

In honor of the 4th, over the next three days, I’m going to present my list of the three greatest Americans of all time. So, without further ado…

Greatest Americans of All Time #3: Yankee Doodle

I’m not sure if Yankee Doodle was a real person or not, but he makes my list because he perfectly epitomizes the true essence of what it means to be an American – sticking a feather in your hat and calling it macaroni. Also, Yankee Doodle could ride a pony, he was a great dancer, and he was pretty handy with the girls, if you catch my drift.

Actually, I was thinking Yankee Doodle would be a great summer movie. It’s set during the American Revolutionary War, and it's about a minuteman named Jim Dandy, whose wife has passed away, and it’s up to him to raise his young children and fight the British. Basically, it’s just a rip off of The Patriot. In fact, that would be the tagline “Yankee Doodle – a rip off of The Patriot”. I think that’s how Hollywood works now. You don’t even have to pretend you’re coming up with something new.

You’d have to find two new Australians to play the American leads, of course, as Mel Gibson’s career is dead, and Heath Ledger is literally dead, but that shouldn’t be too hard. Maybe Guy Pearce could play Jim Dandy and Mia Wosikowska could play his oldest daughter Jane Dandy. (In a twist, we’d make his kids girls.)


Imagine this trailer. A bucolic landscape, New England, 1776. A patriotic drumbeat in the background rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat. A man and his daughters standing on a grassy hill overlooking a pastoral valley. A flute rendition of Yankee Doodle, starts playing in the background quietly over the methodical drumbeat. The man is looking through a primitive telescope. The camera cuts to his point of view. It’s a redcoat general and his cavalry. The man picks up his musket. His oldest daughter hands him the powder and ammo. He loads his gun and fires. The camera follows the bullet (a la the arrow scene in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves). It’s heading straight for the redcoat general. It reaches his head and … the screen goes black and silent. A few seconds go by and then in giant letters: “YANKEE DOODLE, JULY 4TH, 2012”.

Tell me you wouldn’t go see that.