I realized the other day that the word "friend" isn't a tremendously useful word. It's too broad, too all encompassing. Look at your Facebook friends and count what percentage of them are actually your friend. I bet this percentage changes drastically from person to person, not necessarily because people have radically different types of friendships, but because what somebody considers a friend is so subjective. When I say "my friend" all you really know about my relationship with this person is that I know them. A lot of times that's sufficient, but sometimes I'd like more accuracy, and what I find -- as I get older and more people come in and out of my life -- is that I often struggle to come up with the correct term to describe my relationship with somebody. Friend might be too strong*, but acquaintance, the only other viable option, too weak. I end up getting super specific -- "The girlfriend of a friend of this guy who I once worked with and sometimes saw out at the bar and would hang out with when in fact I did see him, but never called up to hang out or anything like that..." -- which kinda kills the flow of a story.
To try to remedy this, I developed a friend taxonomy. Here it is.
Homies -- Also called BFFs or super friends. Your tightest of tight. People you'd put in your wedding party. Your lifelong friends. If you have three homies, consider yourself fortunate.
Subhomies -- People who wouldn't be in your wedding, but would be invited for sure. People you'd have no problem calling for anything at anytime. The main difference between homie and subhomie is usually just length of time you've known them. And by the way, next time I see one of my subhomie's, I'm going to greet them with, "'sup subhomie?".
Pals -- Also called buddies (mates in The British Commonwealth countries). These are people you like, but you're not super close with, for whatever reason. If they moved or you moved there's a decent chance you'd lose contact all together (other than keeping tabs on Facebook). It wouldn't be weird if you invited them to your wedding, but it wouldn't be offensive if you didn't. This term encompasses most of the people we now generically call friends.
Grouppals -- Also called crewmates. People you like, maybe even really like, but only ever hang out with as part of a larger group, for whatever reason. You can replace group- with work-, team-, room- or any other specifier. These friendships are context specific, but they're legitimate. They're more than just people you know and are on good terms with.
Fosos -- Friend Of Significant Other. Pretty self-explanatory, but sometimes the line between fosos and other categories can get a little blurry. The defining question is, if you broke up with your significant other, would the person in question be forced to take your significant other's side and essentially unfriend you? If the answer is yes, then that person is a foso, otherwise he/she belongs in a different category.
Childhooders -- People you're friends with today, because you were friends as children.
Facebookers -- People you only are friends with on Facebook (or some other social network).
Lovebuds -- Also (less euphemistically) called f--- buddies. Somebody you're only friends because you're f------ them.
Theres -- People who you hang out with just because they're there (there can be a neighborhood, a school, a workplace, etc.). The difference between pals and theres is that you actively enjoying hanging out with pals, with theres you just do it -- usually out of boredom or loneliness -- even though you don't really enjoy it all that much. Note, you don't have anything against theres and generally wish them well, but they wouldn't be a part of your life if circumstance didn't put you side by side.
Schneids -- People you actively dislike (unlike theres), but somehow end up hanging out with often. Usually schneids are friends of friends. I chose this name because schneid has a prejorative connotation in sports ("get off the schneid"), and because I once knew a guy named Schneider** who fit this role perfectly for me. He was a homie's pal, so I'd often end up interacting with him as if he was my pal, even though I didn't like the guy, at all.
Frenemies -- The difference between a frenemy and a schneid is that frenemies are love/hate, schneids are just hate (or dislike, rather, hate is too strong a word). I've never had a frenemy and probably never will. They're more for tweener girls than nearly middle-aged men, I suspect.
So that's the basic friendship taxonomy, but there's still a bit more. There are some friendship qualifiers.
FO -- Used as a prefix to denote "friend of", e.g., I met Mike through my homie Chris, so he's my fo-homie. If I get to know him well enough, he might become my subhomie.
SO -- Used as a suffix to denote "signficant other", e.g., Belinda is my pal Stan's girlfriend, so she's my pal-so.
Ex -- Used as a prefix to denote somebody you are expressly no longer friends with, e.g., After Mike drunkenly groped my girlfriend, he became my ex-pal.
Past -- Used as a prefix to denote somebody you're no longer close with, but not because of any ill-will, e.g., After college, my old roommate moved to Lesotho, and we haven't really kept in touch, so he's my past-subhomie.
Inactive -- Used as a prefix like past- only it denotes a strong possibility of the friendship picking up again, e.g., After college, my old roommate moved to Lesotho, and we only keep in touch every few years, but when we do it's like we were never apart, so right now he's my inactive-subhomie.
Potential -- Used as prefix to denote a friendship that isn't there yet, but might be in the future, e.g., I get along well with my coworker Mike, so he's my potential-workpal.
OK, that's it. You can succinctly describe any friendship you have now. I'll never again be looking for the right way to describe my relationship with somebody. The "girlfriend of a friend of this guy who I once worked with and sometimes saw out at the bar and would hang out with when in fact I did see him, but never called up to hang out or anything like that" now becomes a fo-past-workpal-so -- it's that simple.
By the way, I really want this to take off, so if you all could start using it in your everyday vocabulary, that would be great. Thanks.
Until next time...
*You could go the route of one of my past-subhomies who would call anybody ever he said "hi" to a friend. I don't like this because it comes off as you trying to sound cooler than you actually are, which, by the way, is exactly why my friend did it.
**His name isn't actually Schneider, but it's close to that, and once I heard somebody erroneously call him Schneider, and he got annoyed, which I thought was funny, so it's even more perfect than if his name was actually Schneider.
To try to remedy this, I developed a friend taxonomy. Here it is.
Homies -- Also called BFFs or super friends. Your tightest of tight. People you'd put in your wedding party. Your lifelong friends. If you have three homies, consider yourself fortunate.
Subhomies -- People who wouldn't be in your wedding, but would be invited for sure. People you'd have no problem calling for anything at anytime. The main difference between homie and subhomie is usually just length of time you've known them. And by the way, next time I see one of my subhomie's, I'm going to greet them with, "'sup subhomie?".
Pals -- Also called buddies (mates in The British Commonwealth countries). These are people you like, but you're not super close with, for whatever reason. If they moved or you moved there's a decent chance you'd lose contact all together (other than keeping tabs on Facebook). It wouldn't be weird if you invited them to your wedding, but it wouldn't be offensive if you didn't. This term encompasses most of the people we now generically call friends.
Grouppals -- Also called crewmates. People you like, maybe even really like, but only ever hang out with as part of a larger group, for whatever reason. You can replace group- with work-, team-, room- or any other specifier. These friendships are context specific, but they're legitimate. They're more than just people you know and are on good terms with.
Fosos -- Friend Of Significant Other. Pretty self-explanatory, but sometimes the line between fosos and other categories can get a little blurry. The defining question is, if you broke up with your significant other, would the person in question be forced to take your significant other's side and essentially unfriend you? If the answer is yes, then that person is a foso, otherwise he/she belongs in a different category.
Childhooders -- People you're friends with today, because you were friends as children.
Facebookers -- People you only are friends with on Facebook (or some other social network).
Lovebuds -- Also (less euphemistically) called f--- buddies. Somebody you're only friends because you're f------ them.
Theres -- People who you hang out with just because they're there (there can be a neighborhood, a school, a workplace, etc.). The difference between pals and theres is that you actively enjoying hanging out with pals, with theres you just do it -- usually out of boredom or loneliness -- even though you don't really enjoy it all that much. Note, you don't have anything against theres and generally wish them well, but they wouldn't be a part of your life if circumstance didn't put you side by side.
Schneids -- People you actively dislike (unlike theres), but somehow end up hanging out with often. Usually schneids are friends of friends. I chose this name because schneid has a prejorative connotation in sports ("get off the schneid"), and because I once knew a guy named Schneider** who fit this role perfectly for me. He was a homie's pal, so I'd often end up interacting with him as if he was my pal, even though I didn't like the guy, at all.
Frenemies -- The difference between a frenemy and a schneid is that frenemies are love/hate, schneids are just hate (or dislike, rather, hate is too strong a word). I've never had a frenemy and probably never will. They're more for tweener girls than nearly middle-aged men, I suspect.
So that's the basic friendship taxonomy, but there's still a bit more. There are some friendship qualifiers.
FO -- Used as a prefix to denote "friend of", e.g., I met Mike through my homie Chris, so he's my fo-homie. If I get to know him well enough, he might become my subhomie.
SO -- Used as a suffix to denote "signficant other", e.g., Belinda is my pal Stan's girlfriend, so she's my pal-so.
Ex -- Used as a prefix to denote somebody you are expressly no longer friends with, e.g., After Mike drunkenly groped my girlfriend, he became my ex-pal.
Past -- Used as a prefix to denote somebody you're no longer close with, but not because of any ill-will, e.g., After college, my old roommate moved to Lesotho, and we haven't really kept in touch, so he's my past-subhomie.
Inactive -- Used as a prefix like past- only it denotes a strong possibility of the friendship picking up again, e.g., After college, my old roommate moved to Lesotho, and we only keep in touch every few years, but when we do it's like we were never apart, so right now he's my inactive-subhomie.
Potential -- Used as prefix to denote a friendship that isn't there yet, but might be in the future, e.g., I get along well with my coworker Mike, so he's my potential-workpal.
OK, that's it. You can succinctly describe any friendship you have now. I'll never again be looking for the right way to describe my relationship with somebody. The "girlfriend of a friend of this guy who I once worked with and sometimes saw out at the bar and would hang out with when in fact I did see him, but never called up to hang out or anything like that" now becomes a fo-past-workpal-so -- it's that simple.
By the way, I really want this to take off, so if you all could start using it in your everyday vocabulary, that would be great. Thanks.
Until next time...
*You could go the route of one of my past-subhomies who would call anybody ever he said "hi" to a friend. I don't like this because it comes off as you trying to sound cooler than you actually are, which, by the way, is exactly why my friend did it.
**His name isn't actually Schneider, but it's close to that, and once I heard somebody erroneously call him Schneider, and he got annoyed, which I thought was funny, so it's even more perfect than if his name was actually Schneider.
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