Entry 302: The Angels and The Archies

I was in the grocery store the other day, and the song "My Boyfriend's Back" came on the radio.  I have a strong affinity for bubblegum oldies (I'm a sucker for feel-good pop, in general), so I was really enjoying it while I was shopping.  But then I started listening closely to the lyrics and thinking about what they actually mean, and I came to the conclusion that it is actually an incredibly fucked up song.

The gist of the song is that there is a girl, presumably about high-school age, whose boyfriend went out of town, and while he was gone a different guy started harassing this girl by making unwelcome advances toward her, implicitly of a sexual nature ("He knows what you've been tryin'"), and by spreading rumors that she had accepted such advances ("He knows that you've been lyin'").  But now everything is going to change, because this girl's boyfriend is back, and he is going to beat the living shit out of her harasser ("Now you're gonna get a beatin'") unless he leaves town ASAP ("When you see him comin', better cut out on the double").



So many things wrong with this song, but let's start with the fact that it's an accepted premise that the only way this girl can stop this creep from bothering her is by having a boyfriend who can protector her.  What if she was single?  Then it would be OK?  And why did she even have to put up with it while her boyfriend was away?   What kind of moral is that?  Why didn't she stick up for herself?  This certainly isn't a very empowering message to send to little girls.  The song shouldn't be "My Boyfriend's Back," it should be "My Restraining Order's Filed".

My restraining order's filed, and you're gonna rue the day 

[Hey-la, hey-la, my restraining order's filed] 

Now you have to stay at least 100 yards away 

[Hey-la, hey-la, my restraining order's filed]

Another glaring problem with the song is that her boyfriend being able to beat up her harasser is a crucial part of her being "saved."  What if her boyfriend is physically weak or has cerebral palsy or is a pacifist or something like that?  "Sorry, babe, this guy is bigger and stronger than me.  You're just going to have to live with his harassment.  Nothing anybody can do about it."

And then the final problem is the fact that society was actually siding with, or at least believing, the harasser until this girl's boyfriend came back.  ("My boyfriend's back, he's gonna save my reputation.")  Again, if this girl was single, then she would just to have accept some cad slandering her good name?  Again, what kind of message is that sending?  They really need to update this song with lyrics that show a stronger female voice.

You're a big douche, you lie worse than Wikipedia 

[Aah-ooh, aah-ooh] 

And now I'm going to expose you on social media 

[Aah-ooh, aah-ooh] 

All your Facebook friends will see!

Well, maybe that's just how most songs were back then.  It was before sexism was bad.  I mean, listen to some of the songs from back in the day: "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is more than a little date rape-y, and "Young Girl" is beyond creepy.  Or maybe it's what happens when three middle-aged Jewish men write a song for a group young women.  The song is performed by a group called The Angels, but it is written by men named Feldman, Goldstein, and Gottehrer.  

The Angels were one of the myriad bubblegum groups that had one big hit, and then sort of dissolved into the pop aether.  My favorite of such bands is most definitely The Archies.  The Archies are a fictional band from Archie Comics, but they produced a real single "Sugar, Sugar" that is actually a really good song.  (It was performed by studio musicians, with a guy named Ron Dante on vocals.)  I love this song.  

Part of this is that I used to read Archie Comics all the time.  Everybody in my family did.  We used to have bookshelves full of them, and if you opened a drawer in one of our bathrooms, you were bound to come across four of five of them stuffed in there.  I'm not sure why we liked them -- they're not funny or interesting -- but we did.  I can't even remember what they were about really, and I must have read at least 100 of them, which should tell you something.  

I do, however, remember the basics: a high school kid named Archie was in a love triangle with two girls, Veronica (the snobby, rich vixen) and Betty (the down-to-earth girl-next-door); he had a buddy named Jughead Jones, who wore a crown for some reason, and whose entire raison d'être was eating hamburgers; and also there was a kid named Reggie, who was Archie's frenemy and the source of much conflict, particularly with Veronica.  And then there were a lot of other ancillary characters -- Big Moose, Dilton Doiley, Mr. Weatherbee, Ethel, Mr. Lodge, Pop Tate, Hot Dog (Jughead's dog), Professor Flutesnoot, Mrs. Grundy, Coach Kleats, Chuck (the token black guy, who had a black girlfriend, Nancy, I think), and ... that's all I can think of off-hand.  They all lived in a place called Riverdale, which is a lot like Springfield on The Simpsons, if The Simpsons was a really campy, wholesome, faux all-American cartoon that isn't at all funny.  And also if its characters said things like "egads!" and drank chocolate malteds at the soda shop.

Oh, also, Archie had several spin-offs.  I think Sabrina the Teenage Witch was a part of Archie Comics (indeed), as was Josie and the Pussycats.

Anyway, in doing the "research" for this post, I came across the official video of "Sugar, Sugar," and I encourage you all to watch it.  It really is a thing of beauty.  For one thing, the song itself is fantastic.  In my opinion, it's a perfect bubblegum pop song.  And then the video ... Well, it's pretty spectacular too.  I showed it to Lil' S1, and he loved it.  I think he is the perfect audience for it.  It seems to be trying to appeal to little kids.  Either that or it is for adults high on mescaline.  I'm not sure which.